This week, we lost another significant loved one in our
lives. We are loosing all of our elders,
our wise ones, our history keepers, the glue that has kept our families
together for so many years.
Am I sad? No. I cannot be sad for those who have moved on
after suffering from pain and illness.
It would be selfish of me to want them to stay with us. I grieve everyday for the loss of my dad, my
father in-law, my aunts and uncles and those who were close enough to us to be
called our family. I am pissed that time
was cut short. I am angry that my
children will not have more time with these amazing people. I am annoyed with myself for the things I
should have said, had I known my time was running out.
My heart feels empty on Father’s day. I miss the Zydeco dancing on Christmas and
the cornbread dressing on Thanksgiving.
Our vacations seem shorter with fewer aunts and uncles to visit when we
are in town. Now we make one trip to the
cemetery to briefly chat with our loved ones and tell them how much we miss
them.
Most of all I am afraid.
It scares me to live a life without such significant influences
surrounding me. These larger than life people were our safety nets, our voices
of reason, our cheerleaders throughout our lives. It scares me that such big shoes were left to
fill. Can we do this? Are we ready?
Did we listen to all of the wisdom they bestowed upon us? Did we remember all of the life lessons they
taught us? Will we be able to hold our
families together with the same strength, kindness, generosity and command for
respect?
The fear has taken over. Are we now ready to step up and be the elders in our
family? Growing up, I never played this
scenario through my mind. I saw myself
with a family and children, a career, a future, but I never saw this
coming…truly growing up, truly being an adult, stepping into a family role that
was held by those I respected so much they almost seemed immortal to me.
I know we were raised right.
I know we were given the tools we now need to move forward and continue
the family legacy. I know we may stumble
at first, but we will all come together for the sake of our families, to keep
us strong and to carry on. Our histories
will have to be remembered, stories will have to be retold, new memories will
have to be made and family names will have to be handed down to another
generation. I don't want to disappoint. I am so very afraid.
We didn’t know it when we were growing up, but we were being
groomed for this moment. We were bred
for this life’s work. All of the lectures,
sighs, eye rolls and harsh life lessons were all for this moment…. the moment
when we look at ourselves and wonder, “Can
we go on?” “Can we pick up the pieces?” “Can we continue to build our family up and
support each other?” It doesn’t seem
like we have much choice. This is the
job that has been handed to us, from those who came before us, just like it was
handed to them. This is our future, our
destiny, our calling. We will keep going, we will keep living, we
will keep loving and we will keep the spirit of our loved ones forever alive in
our hearts.
"If you could see your ancestors
All standing in a row,
Would you be proud of them or not?...
But here's another question
Which requires a different view
If you could meet your ancestors
Would they be proud of you?
~Nellie Winslow Simmons Randall
