College Girl.

I have a college student now.  I'm currently sitting in the San Jose airport trying not to start sobbing, for fear that people will think I am crazy.  Well, I am crazy.  I'm crazy for thinking that I could drop Gabby off at school and not feel sad.  Crazy to think that I had it all together and was stronger than every other mom in the world that has dropped her kid off at school.  Crazy to think that a hug, a smile, a pat on the back and a high-five with a "kick some ass in college" chant would be enough.

We moved Gabby into her dorm room on Saturday morning.  I was fine, totally in work mode.

I cried Saturday night.  It finally hit me that the room we had spent all day decorating and filling with some comforts of home, was in fact going to be Gabby's new home.

I think I also cried on Saturday night because for the first time in 18 years, I realized that this journey Gabby was embarking on was completely out of my control.  I won't be there to help her make friends, this isn't the first day of kindergarten.  I am leaving her in a new place, in a new situation where she knows not a single person.  I won't be there to read her mind and decode her moods.  I won't be in control of anything.  I am leaving my girl on her own to grow up, mature and create her future.  I have to step back and be less of a participant and more of a spectator in this process.  My tears on Saturday were for the loss of my smothering-mothering phase in Gabby's life.

The final touches went into Gabby's dorm room on Sunday.  Lunch and dinner together and then the final goodbye.  We dropped her off in front of her dorm building. Sinobia at first gave a little "see ya later" pat on the back and then went back for more of a hug.  Eric...I'll let him Facebook about his goodbye.  Gabby is his first born, our Guinea pig child. He is beyond proud of her (and himself for being such a great dad).

I kept it together.  I told Gabby I didn't want to cry, I wanted to be strong for her, I am so happy for her, so very proud of her.  I gave her a huge hug, she hugged me back (I almost lost it then).  "Do you want me to walk you in?"  I was getting soft.  "No mom, I'll be OK."

Another hug and then she went walking in to her new home, her college dorm.  As soon as she disappeared around the corner, I lost it.  A moan and a wail, then the tears started to flow...it was ugly.  Sinobia was stunned.  "I've never heard you cry out loud" is what she told me later.

This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my parenting life...let my kid go.  It probably wouldn't be so bad if she were in Iowa or Indiana, but she is all the way across the country.  Now I  understand why fellow parents and friends have told me to "Hang in there", "I'll be there for you", "Call me if you need me", "It will all be OK".  My heart is aching, I can't describe it.  Only a parent that has done this can understand.

I hear it gets better, easier with time.  I think once I hear her voice in a few days or weeks and hear the comfort and confidence in her voice of a somewhat-transitioned college student, then I will feel a little better.  I'll keep you posted.

I am so very happy for Gabby.  She has wanted to be in California for so long.  I know she will get the hang of college life very quickly.  I am so very proud of Eric and I for being the parents that we have been.  It hasn't been easy, but these proud/sad moments make it all worth while.

Oh, poor Sinobia.  She doesn't know what she is in for.  She is now an only child at home, all eyes on her:)

Good Luck Gabby!  Miss you already!