My Cousin Clint

Yesterday I attended the funeral of my cousin Clint.  Clint was young and his death was unexpected.  My heart is heavy because Clint and I were in a fight/disagreement when he died, we had not spoken to each other for some time. 

The reason for our disagreement is irrelevant now.  The fact is, Clint loved his family with all his heart and he attempted to reach out to me and mend things between us. I was being my usual self, stubborn, and did not accept his advances to make-up.  I had thought about it a lot, and I knew that I loved him dearly and  one day we would come to terms with our difference of opinions and get back to the way things used to be.

The tragedy in my thinking is that I assumed we had more time. I assumed that there would be a tomorrow for Clint and that I could take my time to let my anger subside and forgive.  I took the gift of time for granted and lost out on the opportunity to reconnect with my cousin.  I feel like an awful person.  I let my pride and anger cloud my judgement.  I pushed forgiveness aside for a moment too long.  I have learned a lasting lesson in a terrible way.

It's too bad that most of our eye opening and profound wisdom comes when it is too late.  All week I have been mindful of every time I part from those I love and cherish.  I want them to know that I love them when we part.  Was I mad at the girls when I put them to bed?  Did I kiss Eric goodbye when I left for work?  Did I say "I love you" when I hung up the phone with my mother?  I never want to feel this way again, I am filled with guilt.  I never want to have to experience this again, the feeling of knowing that I will not have another opportunity to tell someone that I love them. I have learned that there are no "do-overs". 

I hope that Clint's spirit is standing over my shoulder, reading my thoughts and my blog. In fact, I truly believe that his spirit knows that I truly loved him and that I was on the road to forgiveness. I believe he knows the anguish I feel for what has transpired I know that he has forgiven me, he already had it in his heart to do so.

Why am I purging myself on my blog?  Because, I needed to get these thoughts out and put them to words.  I needed to remind myself out loud to cherish the time I have with those I love and to open my heart to forgiveness.  I needed to share my late and tragic wisdom with others, to spare a few hearts the pain I am feeling.